Email is a great way to keep up to date on the world of humour !  Here are a few I have received recently,  let us have your choice (in good taste!) and we will publish them for all to enjoy.

Lesson 1

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull S*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

_______________________________

__________________________________

Five lessons about the way we treat people.
>  1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
>
>  During my second month of college, our professor
>  gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
>  and had breezed through the questions until I read
>  the last one:
>
>  "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
>  Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
>  cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
>  dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
>
>  I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
>  blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
>  the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
>
>  "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
>  you will meet many people. All are significant. They
>  deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
>  is smile and say "hello."
>
>  I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
>  name was Dorothy.
>
>  2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
>
>  One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
>  woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
>  trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
>  broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
>  Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
>  A young white man stopped to help her, generally
>  unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man
>  took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
>  put her into a taxicab.
>
>  She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
>  address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
>  knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
>  giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
>  special note was attached.
>
>  It read:
>  "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
>  the other night. The rain drenched not only my
>  clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
>  Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
>  husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
>  bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
>  others."
>
>  Sincerely,
>  Mrs. Nat King Cole.
>
>  3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
>  who serve.
>
>  In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
>  a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
>  sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
>  front of him.
>
>  "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
>
>  "Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
>
>  The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
>  studied the coins in it.
>
>  "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
>
>  By now more people were waiting for a table and the
>  waitress was growing impatient.
>
>  "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
>
>  The little boy again counted his coins.
>
>  "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
>
>  The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
>  the table and walked away The boy finished the ice
>  cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
>  came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
>  table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
>  were two nickels and five pennies..
>
>  You see, he couldn' t have the sundae, because he had
>  to have enough left to leave her a tip.
>
>  4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
>
>  In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
>  roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
>  anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
>  king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
>  and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
>  King for not keeping! the roads clear, but none did
>  anything about getting the stone out of the way.
>
>  Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
>  vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
>  peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
>  stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
>  and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
>  peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
>  a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
>  been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
>  from the King indicating that the gold was for the
>  person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
>  peasant learned what many of us never understand!
>
>  Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
>  our condition.
>
>  5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
>
>  Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
>  hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
>  was suffering from a rare &serious disease. Her only
>  chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
>  transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
>  miraculously survived the same disease and had
> developed the antibodies needed to combat the
>  illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
>  little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
>  be willing to give his blood to his sister.
>
>  I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
>  deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
>  save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
>  bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
>  seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
>  face grew pale and his smile faded.
>
>  He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
>  trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
>
>  Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
>  doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
>  sister all of his blood in order to save her.
>
 remember.
>
>  Most importantly.................. "Work like you
>  don't need the money, love like you've never been
>  hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching.

_____________________--

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !

1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3) It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6) And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8) My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12) 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22) I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

____________________________________

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1.  You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2.  You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.  You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.  You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5.  Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6.  You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to  see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7.  Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8.  Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.  

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13.  Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14.  You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15.  You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. I did.

__________________

 A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
..........
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

_{-----------------------------------------------------------}

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again. And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

 I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

 I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

 man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Two aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals eating a clown.

One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

__________________

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

>Three Little Words That Work !
>(1)The three little words are: "Hold On please..."
>
>Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
>
>Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
>
>These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
>
>
>(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
>
>This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
>
>This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
>
>What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
>
>(3) Junk Mail Help:
>When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
>
>When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
>
>Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?  It costs them more than the regular 24p postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
>
>It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 29p before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes.
>
>For example; send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.  Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
>If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 24p.
>
>The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
>
>Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ?
>
>If enough people follow these tips, it will work !
>
>THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS 

_____________________________

Click on the link below and Enjoy Turkey time !!

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=

A little bit naughty but it made me laugh !! 

I was very impressed with these chalk drawings ... what do you think?

These are all drawings done on sidewalks in New York ...so keep in mind the surfaces are FLAT!

            Which is the Real Man?

For those of us having senior moments!

I Can’t Remember

Just a line to say I’m living

That I’m not among the dead,

Though I’m getting more forgetful

And mixed up in my head.

I got used to my arthritis.

To my dentures I’m resigned,

I can manage my bifocals

But God I miss my mind.

For sometimes I can’t remember

When I stand at the foot of the stairs,

If I must go up for something

Or have I just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often

My poor mind is filled with doubt,

Have I just put food away

Or have I come to take some out.

And there’s time when it’s dark

With my night-cap on my head,

I don’t know if I’m retiring,

Or just getting out of bed.

So if it’s my turn to write to you

There’s no need for getting sore,

I may think that I have written

And don’t want to be a bore.

So remember that I love you

And wish that you were near

But now it’s nearly mail time

So must say goodbye my dear.

There I stand beside the mailbox

With face so very red,

Instead of mailing you my letter

I had opened it instead.

ADULT EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a...

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an ugly looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - 'That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face'

(2) The fat lady thought - 'This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him'.

(3) The Frenchman thought - 'That stupid Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me'.

(4) The Englishman thought - 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again'.

Every Office Has One ....................

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

______________________________________________________________

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

______________________________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy  Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

______________________________________________________________

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,Mum?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mum, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

______________________________________________________________

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

______________________________________________________________

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

_________________________________________________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip biscuits. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

_________________________________________________________

Now you might call be sexist but ......

Something to make you smile after a busy day!!!!!!

 Marriage (Part I)

 Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the  wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 "I'll be home when I want,  if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from  you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that  I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and  card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a  hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"  

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that  there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . .. ...whether  you're here or not."   

 Marriage (Part II)

 Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding  anniversary! . The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a  headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

 "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that  reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

 Marriage (Part III)

 Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast  table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed  either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he  was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

 She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

 She says, "I was in bed."

 "In bed this early, doing what?"

 "Getting a second opinion!"

 Marriage (Part IV)

 A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so  proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man  decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is  ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we  go home 'Mother of six?'" 

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of  discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

 God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the MASTERPIECE

___________________________________________________

Jane has come up with another gem !

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.  he can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £15,000 loan to take a holiday".  Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name, the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.  Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.  The frog says, "OK, I have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.  Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £15,000 and he wants to use this as collateral".  She hold up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says ..... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack.  Give the frog a loan.  His old man's a Rolling Stone.".

(You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

Thanks Ian, and yes this is another "most funny email" - I think they are great!

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres - take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.  A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...  oh forget it.  Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,which is...oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A:  Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good
pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

NEWW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents,
each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table
discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures
and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open
forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks?  Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role-playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to
be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN.........Women think they already know everything, but
wait...training courses are now available for women on the following
subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9, replacing them with undesirable programs such as  FA
CUP 5.0  and  Sky Sport  3.0.  Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning
2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail.

Please help!

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command C://-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install
Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0
and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy/Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV
sound  files.

DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 12.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program.  These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.  I
personally  recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Help Desk